Wednesday, August 13, 2014

IELTS Writing Makeover #90



The following essay was written by Nimish. The essay discusses arguments regarding closure of zoos. 

"We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. Do you agree or disagree. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience."


Should zoos continue to exist and animals be caged? This is one of the debatable question in recent time. While animal activists raise the concern of animal being caged and demand for their freedom, hence eventually closing down of zoos, however, the other group of people oppose to this idea. I do not agree that zoos should close down as I believe it’s a place of fun and education for children and as well provide shelter to animals.

With the awareness of impact on animals being caged, there has been increasing number of animal activists who belief in closing down the zoos and setting the animals free in the natural habitat, in forest. Moreover, there are few NGOs who work in this field and make the public aware of ordeals that these animals go through in zoos.

On the other hand, there are certain arguments that supports the existence of zoos. Firstly, it is argued that all animals which lives in zoos are not fit anymore to survive back in forest on their own, as due to their age they could not be able to hunt their food and may starve to death. For such animals, zoo is a good place where they get timely food and medicine aid. Secondly, zoo is a place of entertainment and education on animals for children, where they get to learn more on animals by observing their behavior.

To conclude, I do not agree that zoos should be closed. While, we need to be sensitive towards animals needs and set them free if they are capable of surviving in forests. However, the old and weak animals may be better off in zoo environment. Moreover, zoo gives opportunity to children for learning about various animals. As a I child, I used to take lot of fun in visiting the zoo and I feel that if zoos are closed, then my children may not get to see many animals in their life time.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give your arguments regarding the need for zoos. However, the conclusion is longer than your body paragraphs.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good topic specific vocabulary: natural habitat, NGOs, animal activists.
COHERENCE AND COHESION

Good transition words were used: firstly, to conclude. However, have only one main point per paragraph. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1- Disagree 1
Body Paragraph 2-Disagree 2
Body Paragraph 3-Agree 1
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are a number of grammar errors:
One of the debatable question = one of the debatable questions
Animal being caged = animals being caged
And as well provide shelter to animals = and provides shelter to animals
Has been increasing number of activists who belief = has been an increasing number of activists who believe
In forest = in forests
Arguments that supports = arguments that support
All animals which lives = all animals which live
Animals needs = animals’ needs
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