Sunday, July 13, 2014

IELTS Writing Makeover #87



The following IELTS essay was written by Adham. He argues against the negative effects of IT.
In the last 20 years there have been significant developments in the field of information technology (IT), for example the World Wide Web and communication by email. However, these developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive in the future.
To what extent do you agree with this view?
A prominent advancement has been observed in domain of information technology (IT), like web network and emailing service, in last 2 decades. There exists both positive and negative outcomes of this change, but I do not believe that, in the long run, the negative side going to outweight the positive one.
As far as the disadvantages of IT are concerned, it imposes huge impact on the mentality of young generation. Firstly, the students are getting more and more reliable on internet for their home work which is suppressing their mental growth. For example, the assignments given at school are done by the students by searching on google or wikipedia as a mass compendium of information is available to them. Furthermore, pornography on websites are available to underage children because they can easily claim to be an adult on the internet.
However I believe IT has provided us much more benefits that will also be of service to mankind in future. Thanks to this development, the people around the world can keep updated by what is happening anywhere. From any research finding to fashion activities, all are instantly available on the internet. Moreover, e-mailing and voice communication has provided easiness in global business communication which would take much more time through post otherwise.
Like this era, I think the negative effect of IT could never out run the positives. While, on the other hand, it could possible that with further advancement of this technology we could get our hands on the negatives.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give your reasons why you disagree that there are more negative effects than positive effects. However, avoid having multiple main points in one paragraph.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good technology vocabulary: e-mailing, voice communication, web network, mass compendium.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words were used: firstly, for example, however, on the other hand. However, improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1 – Disagree 1
Body Paragraph 2 – Disagree 2
Body Paragraph 3 –Agree 1
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors:
1.     missing articles
-       in domain of information technology
-       in last 2 decades
-       imposes huge impact
-       of young generation
-       on internet
-       in future
2.     misspelled words
-       outweight
-       underage children
3.     missing verbs
-       negative side going
-       it could possible
4.     subject-verb agreement
-       pornograph on websites are available
5.     capitalization
-google/wikipedia

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