Sunday, December 7, 2014

IELTS Writing Makeover No. 93



The following essay was written by Abdulla. She writes why she disagrees on people’s too much focus on money.
Many people say that we now live in 'consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays it is often said that we live in materialistic world and money plays an important role of whole our life and it is valued too highly. My personal view is that some people are unbelievably money – oriented, but many of us know that there are more important things in our lives than money.
Firstly, money has great opportunities to make our daily life comfortable that everyone could get advanced technology tools which make life easier. But it seems to me that, because of modern life style people lose contact with their relatives and turn self conscious one. For instance, modern generations use social network sites such as Facebook to share their feelings with others, but it is not enough to give your feelings to partner as well as you wish . As a result people get away from the real life.
Secondly some people believe that assets are main factor in modern society. However, I would argue that property do not have really great significance in common life. It could be beneficial to live well but property cannot buy people’s love. Because of that in human’s life intense feelings are more worthwhile rather that possessions. And also being love is one of the main factors which make life admirable it is no doubt that there is not any existence could beat this feeling. Consequently it is not more happiness to have got more poverty.
In conclusion, I am of the view that people must not pay attention much on money and also poverty. It is not necessary to have got more materialistic things in life than to feel happiness to give or get love from  others.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
Essay got off-topic and does not address the question whether you agree or disagree that money is given too much importance by society. Arguments and examples are weak and not concrete enough. It does not prove that society doesn’t focus much on materialism.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good vocabulary was used: social network sites, materialistic things, advanced technology.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good linking words were used: however, in conclusion, firstly, secondly. However, improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1 -  Agree 1
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree 2
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree 1
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors:
Worthwhile rather that = worthwhile rather than
Turn self conscious one = become anti-social
Assets are main factor = assets are a main factor
Property do not = properties do not
Being love = being loved
 Not any existence could beat this feeling = nothing could beat this feeling
To have got = to have
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My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.