Monday, November 3, 2014

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER No. 91


The following IELTS essay was written by Sreelekha. She discusses about her arguments regarding keeping animals in zoos. 

"We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. Do you agree or disagree. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience."

Animals are not intellectual as humans so they should be kept in zoos.I personally feel that zoos should not be closed even though some of the animal activists are raising a concern over caging of animals.

I strongly disagree with the above as zoos are primarily providing food and shelter to the animals.Now a days some of the species are in extinct.Zoos preserve them by taking care of these breeds.There are few restrictions on hunting them.Already we have in our news that number of tigers are declining drastically.If this is the case,our future generations may not see a tiger alive.Moreover some of the wild animals are very dangerous so they should not be let to roam in the masses.They harm the public and create havoc over there. We have a few incidents in the past where elephants from forest have come down to the nearby villages causing damaging to the fields.

To support my previous argument,I believe that zoos are a picnic spot for children as well as elders.Many people visit these zoos to view different animals,birds and reptiles.Children get a lot of fun here.These are places of learning for kids.They got to see a variety of animals which can’t be found outside.

Contradictory to these, we have uproar from animal activists to close the zoos. They feel that animals should be let free in the forest.

I conclude that zoos should not be closed .Instead government should come up with many laws to protect them, provide them good infrastructure and well trained employees to keep an eye on these living creatures.


4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to provide your arguments why you disagree that zoos are not needed. However, improve your conclusion. It should only summarize the main points and not include new opinions. There are only a few linking words used: moreover.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Some animal vocabulary was used: reptiles, extinct, animal activists.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are not well-balanced. Some paragraphs are not well-developed. Conclusion should not be longer than body paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors:
Now a days = nowadays
Are in extinct = are becoming extinct
They got to see = they get to see
That number of tigers are declining drastically = that the number of tigers is declining drastically
Not be let to roam in the masses= not be allowed to roam on the streets
Causing damaging = causing damage
Should be let free = should be set free

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.